Tuesday, November 20, 2018

Emotions ≠ Weaknesses. Musings from (previously) a notoriously heartless, emotionless asshole.

I decided to write on this after the evening found me in that state of boredom that often evokes a wry, overly-critical, introspective analysis of my idiosyncrasies and in this particular case brought on by a discussion between my friend Justin and I the past weekend:
As weird as it is for me to say this, during this writing hiatus it is the first time I've actually missed writing.
This will also be one of the more intimate posts I've ever made, but I've been meaning to share some of this for some time now so I'll take this opportunity to incorporate it all in where pertinent.
Albeit some of this content may seem a bit trite for some, having the apparently obvious written out for us is sometimes what we need, and I'm focusing here on reaching the few to whom it's applicable.
After all, nearly all problems and issues in our life are simply our inefficient or ineffective thought patterns and processes that dictate our approaches to any given circumstance or situation at any given time. So if by me sharing my own experience I can help that 1 or 2 who might be having similar struggles, my time is worth it to me.
For the literary challenged or those not wishing to take the time to be bored to death by my mundane rambling, short version is this:
If you're an 'emotionless' dude (aka self professed BA), it's okay to be emotional, and it is imperative to good health not just emotionally and mentally but on a physical level as well.
And all within reason of course. As with anything too much of something is never a good thing.
And lastly, the survivability of opening this 'Pandora's Box' is achievable; man card intact, coming from a former US Marine.
So anyway, without further ado, here we go!

Emotions are simply the sum of our cognitive states expressed as energetic vibrational patterns whose energy is drawn from our very beings vibrational energy.
We each individually own our emotions and we actively and consciously choose which ones we let influence and shape our over-all vibrational energy field, or our state of being.
In today's society being dubbed 'emotional' often carries with it negative connotation but this does not necessarily have to be the case, so as long as we consciously choose to maintain our focus on the positive.
This does not mean we ignore or bottle up the negative. On the contrary, we must acknowledge it, accept it as the emotion it is and the energy it exudes, then release it. Let it go.
Then return our focus to the positive; just as you would a mental distraction during meditation.
Simple and easy right?
Well, as with most things that are simple and easy in life, applying it to real world situations and scenarios is often much more difficult.
This takes a conscious diligence, just as being happy does.
Happiness, despite many a varying personal perspectives, is not an emotion, but rather it is a conscious state of being.
As such happiness works in the same way, you have to CHOOSE to be happy.
So, just as you choose to be happy you must also choose which emotions you allow to play on your overall state of being.
But as stated earlier it is of upmost importance to guard against stifling or ignoring the negative or unfavorable emotions. They must be processed.

Growing up a male in our society, and especially from my military backgrounds standpoint, emotions are generally viewed as a feminine characteristic and as such in our male dominated society, inherently a weakness.
Something not to be tolerated in a masculine environment.
This serves as the catalyst to a dis-associative state from emotion so commonly found among males in our society today.
The male construct we have created is quite amusing in how hypocritical it is, and yet also disheartening and sad at how destructive and damaging it is to the individual male; particularly their mental and spiritual well-being.
However, there will come a time and point for some like myself that you realize a profound truth.
In order to live a passionate and purposeful life, which requires you to be true to yourself, you will need to confront this fallacy that serves as a obstacle and allow yourself to process ALL of your emotions.

It was about three years ago during my time of 'awakening' that I reached this crossroads. It has been the pinnacle of positive change, but also the epitome of personal conflict.
Never before since my time as a child did I allow myself to show the majority of genuine emotions I felt.
In the military it was often the safe guard veil between life and death.
It takes a certain level of cold disconnect to be an effective and efficient soldier in battle.
Religion aside, killing is a very intimate and spiritual event that can evoke every emotion at once.
Emotion will make you hesitate.
Hesitation will kill you.
Thus you must never hesitate.
Likewise, you must never let your emotions dictate your actions. for this will also bring your death.

Okay, so if I want to survive, that means removing emotion from the equation. Right?

See the part I was missing is in that last bit. Never let your emotions dictate your actions. I always understood this as freeing yourself completely of emotion and feeling. That's not what it means. It does not say 'do not have emotions so that they do not dictate your actions', it says do not let them dictate your actions. That implies their existence and to understand, accept, and control them.
For years I turned that part of me off.
Quite scary from a psychological standpoint really.
I betrayed myself and denied myself to be whole by not allowing myself to properly process my emotions. Remember how I said emotions are simply energy?
And science has taught us what?
That you cannot destroy energy, you can only change its form.
When you try to manipulate the fabric of the universe it has a tendency to eventually show you how little power you really have against inevitability.
For all those years I spent ignoring my emotions and acting as if they did not exist, locking them away in a deep dark vault within my psyche, I was really just amassing an energy store within myself that was quickly reaching critical mass.
Since you rarely have need to deny or mask positive emotion you can guess what type of energy I was contaminating myself with.
This will wreck spiritual havoc on you and your energy.
Once I finally gave myself permission to open that vault it created a deluge of emotional expenditure that nearly made me crumble to pieces.
Imagine having to deal with every negative experience throughout your life all in one instant shot of zero to FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!

That's pretty similar to how I felt.

Had it not been for some key people in my life I would not have made it through that stage. It was that intense, and I think of myself as having unbreakable mental fortitude.

**I would like to take this opportunity to stop and show my gratitude and appreciation to those few by saying thank you for everything you've done for me from the bottom of my heart and every fiber of my being, truly. You know who you are.**

Carrying on.

This can sound horrifying to a lot of you, especially if you were like me.
This is the exact outcome we are trying to avoid by bottling our emotions up.
We deceive ourselves into thinking if we don't acknowledge them, then they don't exist or they will dissipate and go away.
Once upon a time the immature self that I once was had prided himself on how cold and heartless, seemingly lacking all emotion, I once was.
But honest and true I say to you that this is one of the most exhilarating and refreshing experiences you can ever do for yourself; is that to learn to feel and process your emotions openly with love and understanding.
You may not know what to expect going into this.
I sure didn't.
But even with all the pain and sadness I experienced during this journey the end result makes it far beyond worth it that I cannot, even with my most eloquent words, describe it to you.
It is a rebirth on a spiritual level.

Now putting aside my ego here, I won't lie, there was a good 3 week stretch where I literally laid in bed crying if I wasn't at work.
While at work I would have sudden surges of emotion over a past scenario playing over in my head that I would have to scurry off to the bathroom quickly before anyone saw the tears welling up in my eyes and I would completely lose it.
All those times you thought you were emotionless towards a situation that would be otherwise abnormal to not have emotion towards...
Yea, they don't leave you.
They can't.
It's energy stored.
Your conscious doesn't forget and your conscience won't allow it, it is always watching and won't let those things go until it processes them, fully.

For awhile I was an emotional mess.
When I say deluge of emotional expenditure, it was more of a torrential deluge of tears.
This coming from a guy who would've never allowed himself to cry. Out of the question. Instant complete forfeiture of your man card if you ever did shed a tear.

But that's the irony of it all.
You don't yet have one because you do not yet understand what it is to be a man.
Life is not beautiful without the addition of the feminine aspect. The very essence of beauty is femininity.
This does not mean you need to be flamboyantly feminine, your goal is to achieve the harmonious balance of understanding femininity with your respective masculinity.
For some it is natural, for some it is a hard concept to grasp and for others it may seem altogether foreign and impossible because it would also entail vulnerability which is, once again ironically, viewed as a weakness and as such feminine.
This creates a vicious cycle of self cynicism of ones masculinity if one were to allow themselves to be vulnerable AND emotional. As I stated earlier the male construct we have created for our society is quite amusing in how hypocritical it is. Case and point.
To digress a little here in closing and since we are on the subject and its most likely going to be applicable to those this post is relevant to:
In order to attain a true honest relationship with a significant other it will require we give ourselves to them completely, wholly, and honestly not just with them, but ourselves as well.
That last part brings a whole new dimension to the level of vulnerability this will put us in, but it is fundamental if we wish to experience true unconditional love with our significant other.
For some this in itself can be the consummation of their life purpose.
And while yet sadly for others they will never experience this profoundly joyous attainment simply due to their unwillingness to detach from their ego and not allow themselves to escape their own personal gas-lighting, becoming interned by their preconceived fear, uncertainty and doubt.

Honesty with oneself is one of the most precious gifts you can bestow upon your self, yet is viewed in such a way by some that it is regarded in aspects synonymous with self annihilation.

Also, if you haven't noticed a pattern here yet with all this mumbo-jumbo, I'll belabor what should be becoming apparent. The most rewarding and self-actualizing things in life that bring personal growth are often the most difficult and/or painful.
I've often found myself in situations where I know the right decision is unequivocal but akin to seppuku.
If you don't know what that is Google it.
Then think of the last time you ended a toxic relationship with someone you thought you loved.
There.
You're welcome.
For giving you a single word to perfectly describe that feeling.

Pain is the method of change and only through change do we grow.
If you are not growing, you are not living.
In a world of zombies, LIVE!

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